My spare bedroom is a cluttered mess. Mostly because it has no purpose at the moment. When we first moved into our house it held unpacked boxes along with a spare queen size bed.
Rachel, my little sister, moved in and out a couple of different times. The last time she ended up moving to California and we decided to get rid of the Queen bed. We had big plans to make the room into a “hangout” spot and bought a futon (because it can “become” a bed). We hooked up our Nintendo 64 and VCR to the TV and hung out in there for a couple of weeks.
In 2020, around Easter, we kept 4 baby chicks in a storage tote, on a coffee table, in the spare room. It was very a dusty mess after that let me tell you (do not keep chickens in your house, just don’t. It took us a few months until they were big enough to move out and another month for me to clean that room up.
There’s one item in that room that I haven’t even entertained the notion of changing. A white, three drawer, dresser. The kind with the little scalloped boarder on the sides and back, so you can put things on top without them falling off.
We received this dresser from my sister-in-law in 2015 after Charles and I were married. She was done with it because her house was getting cluttered and she wanted to update the kids furniture. I thought it would make a great changing table. All you have to do is buy the little changing pad and set it on top…
This year will mark our 7-year anniversary and the 5th year of our infertility journey.
And to be truthful, we are starting to lose hope. There are many times that I’ve prayed for God to take away the yearning I feel whenever I see or hold a baby. To help me be content with my life as it is. And yet, I still dream about being a mom. And the wonderful gift there is in being called “mom”.
I originally didn’t want to share this testimony because of the topic: “Daring to Hope”.
Psalm 42:5-8NIV says,
“Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise him,
My Savior and my God.My soul is downcast within me;
Therefore I will remember you
From the land of the Jordan,
The heights of Hermon—from mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
In the roar of your waterfalls;
All your waves and breakers
Have swept over me.By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me--
a prayer to the God of my life.”
Like the Psalmist, we are in constant prayer and seeking God in our situation.
We have wonderful friends and family who pray and have words of encouragement from God for us. But it is so painful to hope.
To actively hope, is it put aside fears and disappointments. At the start of every new cycle I pray that this will be the time. I count out the months and imagine what it would be like to share good news with friends and family. I imagine what color I will paint the spare room and how weird it would be to not have it has a “shove it in and close the door” room. But then the day comes when I start my period: some months I can carry on just fine and others I'm a wreck.
I personally feel that I must tell you all that I don’t have a profound revelation today for keeping grip of the hopes you all have. Since I’m still in my struggle the only advice I have today is “put your hope in God”.
In Romans 5:3-5 it says,
“…we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, Character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
Hope comes from God, which can only mean to me that I should continue to hold onto it. And gain comfort from what the word says even when the world says we should give up.
I’m not the woman who buys the kids clothes in the hopes that a little snuggly body will soon wear them. I haven’t painted the spare room or picked out a rocking chair. I’m the woman who has three drawers with odds and ends in them because it represents a hope that one day my prayers will be answered, and I can fill those drawers with baby things that will be used.
But when it’s hard to hope on your own, be daring, and place your hope with God.
Bethany Thomas is the Publicity Coordinator and a contributing writer for Shaken & Stirred. She is a daughter of God, a wife, and a dog mom. When not writing for the blog, you are most likely to find her reading a fantasy novel or crafting at her home in Sapulpa, OK.
Photo by Tiago Bandeira on Unsplash
