Sin // Chelynn Broughton

I was only eighteen when I got married for the first time. That marriage lasted for twelve years. I will spare you the details of how it ended, but I was divorced with two children shortly after I turned thirty. This was something I had never imagined for myself. None of my immediate family had ever been divorced. My parents and sister had moved to Washington State right after I married, so I was navigating these strange waters alone.  

I was still very naive and immature when I met my second husband less than a year later. I think I fell in love with his family and their church more than anything. His father was a preacher, and his mother was an English teacher like me. They had been missionaries in Africa for a while and were very involved with their current church. They were two of the nicest people I had ever met, and they made me and my kids feel very welcome and loved. Everyone in the church was so nice to us, also. Less than a year after we met, we finished marriage counseling and had a big church wedding. God tried to tell me I was making a mistake when I had a panic attack on the wedding day, but I was the runaway bride who didn’t run away. I am a person who avoids confrontation at all costs, so there was no way I could disappoint a church full of my family and friends.

Less than a year later, I was miserable; my kids were miserable, and I figured out that most of what I thought I knew about the man I had married was mostly half-truths that he had only let me believe.  I tried hard to persevere, but I couldn’t do it anymore, so I asked him for a divorce. 

A week later, I received a call from one of the church's elders, who I knew and respected. He wanted me to meet with him at the church. Of course, I agreed, and a day was scheduled. When I showed up, I was invited into a room filled with all of the church's elders (five men). They had me sit down at a table with them and then drilled me with questions about my motives. They then told me that divorce was a sin and that I would go to hell if I went through with it. I left there angry. I had listened to the minister of that church preach multiple times that no sin was greater than any other sin and that

 “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Romans 3:23

Yet these men were telling me that divorce was an unforgivable sin. I’m thankful I knew the verse that follows that one:

“Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.”
Romans 3:24

I know where I’m going when I die; it definitely won’t be hell. 

One thing I’ve learned from this experience is not to rush into anything. Acting without thinking first is usually what gets us into trouble. I didn’t think I would ever marry again after that experience, but God had other plans for me. He led me to a Christian man who treats me like the daughter of the Almighty that I am. 

“And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty.”
2 Corinthians 6:18

Don’t get me wrong. I know that divorce is a sin, and I felt the weight of that sin afterwards, but because of what I had read in the Bible, I knew that I would not go to hell because of my sin. If someone has tried to bully you into or out of doing something by using the Word of God against you, please know that God has given us instructions for life, and even though the Bible was written many years ago, it is alive and sharper than any two-edged sword. It is not outdated. It applies to every generation. You can find the answer to any problem you have in it. Don’t trust the words of the people around you. Search the Bible for answers to your trials and tribulations. We should seek His wisdom first in all we do, and we will be wiser and make better life choices. 

“For the Lord grants wisdom! From His mouth comes knowledge and understanding. 11 Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe.”
Proverbs 2:6

Chelynn is a contributing writer for Shaken and Stirred. She is a long-time daughter of Christ, a wife, mother of two amazing adult children, and Nonnie to four beautiful grandchildren. She teaches Senior English at Charles Page High School and is also a Realtor for Keller Williams. She enjoys all things summer including boating, vacationing, and swimming.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

What You Need to Hear // Heather Dillingham

Have you ever asked a friend a question knowing their answer was something you needed to hear but didn’t necessarily want to hear? You listen, nod along, annoyed that they aren’t as fired up as you are or ‘on your side.’ Inside you know they are right but outwardly you don’t want to let it go, to forgive. I found myself in this spot recently.

My sister has gone through a lot and through it all we have continued a relationship. Sometimes stunted, but always there. One night in July however, that ended because of a misunderstanding and an overreaction. Less than a day later, my sister reached out to repair the relationship.

For context, I usually let things roll off easily but in this instance, I was blindsided by the events, angry, and full of hurt. I didn’t want to let it go. I didn’t want to forgive and heal. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hold a grudge.

In this anger, I turned to a friend and before even telling her, I knew what would happen and without missing a beat, she calmly told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear. She said that God forgave us. She said if He was providing an opportunity to restore this relationship, I need to take it. And she said forgiveness is part of being a Christian, but the forgiveness God showed us, and the forgiveness He tells us to show others.

Ephesians 4:32 says, 

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

At this moment, I needed this. The hard knock. The grinding.

Proverbs 27:17 says, 

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

You see, at that moment, I needed sharpening. I was dull with anger. But part of forgiveness and being a person who can forgive well, is surrounding yourself with others who will sharpen you when you are dull.

Friends who will annoyingly remind you to be kind and compassionate. Someone who will say exactly what you DON’T want to hear but exactly what you NEED to hear.

To learn to forgive well, you need people who will help you learn to open your heart and let go of the hurt even when it’s hard. You have to use the tools God has given you to sharpen yourself and your compassion. To deal with the grinding and know it’s for your good.

That night I let myself feel my anger, I prayed, and I forgave. I can’t say the relationship is perfect, but because of God’s grace and the people He placed in my life to sharpen me, the relationship still exists.

Who are the people around you who will sharpen you? How have they worked in your life to remind you to be kind and compassionate, and helped you forgive?

Heather is a contributing writer for Shaken & Stirred. She is a believer, a wife, and a mother to a wonderful (and sometimes crazy) toddler. She enjoys reading, playing video games, and listening to podcasts. She can usually be seen taking care of the home and playing on the floor with her daughter.

Photo by michael schaffler on Unsplash

A Mother's Forgiveness // Mary Swafford

I thought last month’s theme for the blog was difficult, but forgiveness trumps obedience every time.  Forgiveness is such an intimate, personal topic.  It brings so many emotions.  I have put off writing this blog for weeks past its original due date.  In fact, if I wasn’t the Women’s Ministry Director at Church That Matters, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been fired from the writing team long before now.

I’m a procrastinator.  And when it comes to touchy, personal topics I apparently try to avoid them until I have to face it head on.  That’s how I roll.  I’m not confrontational, unless I have to be.  And then I toil and stew for so long that by the time I’ve addressed the issue, the process sucks the life out of me.

Who can relate?

What’s funny to me, though, is that obedience and forgiveness go hand in hand.  You can have obedience without forgiveness, but you can’t have forgiveness without obedience.

I had the opportunity to love on a family tonight through the gift of a meal.  I felt God leading me to do this and to pray with them while I was there.  These are the fun parts of obedience.  I love when being obedient to God involves all the fun stuff.  What I’m learning though is that true obedience and surrender only occur when you disagree.  When there is wrestling that takes place.

Have you ever wrestled with God?  I have.  Just like Jacob.

“This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break.  When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket.” 
Genesis 32:24-25

True obedience, the kind that causes you to wrestle with God, changes you.  Jacob walked with a limp after his experience.  I found freedom.  

If you’ve known me for the last few years, you’ve heard some of my story.  I was adopted at 6 weeks old.  I believe my mom never forgave herself for not being able to give birth to me and so she resented me.  She resented the fact that I didn’t come from her and I didn’t turn out how she imagined I would.  We fought a lot.  I was in trouble a lot.  She said a lot of mean, hurtful things.  She wanted something from me that I couldn't give.  I wanted something from her she couldn’t give me.  I moved out 3 days after I turned 18.

A few years passed.  I spent those years trying to fix our relationship, but it was never honest or genuine.  I only figured out how to act and what to say to keep her from getting upset with me.  

At 23, I was married and pregnant with my first child.  I found out mom had breast cancer.  Within 6 months the cancer spread to her brain and she became bedridden.  By this time, my son, Brendan, had just been born and I had quit my job to be a stay at home mom.  

Here is the part God wants me to share with you.   

Mom’s cancer caused her to become diabetic and she required 4 insulin shots a day.  My brother was in med school half way across the country and my dad passed out at the sight of a needle.  I had no choice but to move my newborn son and myself into my parents’ home so I could help take care of my mom and administer her shots.

Remember, she is bedridden.  I fed her, bathed her, gave her shots, changed her clothes, changed her sheets, emptied her catheter bag, etc.  All begrudgingly.  I wasn’t mean to her or rude, but I only cared for her out of obligation.

One night, after I finished feeding and bathing my 7 month old son.  Changing his clothes, changing his sheets and diapers etc. (because my dad “doesn’t do diapers” or “babies”) I was looking with love at my son and thanking God for him and for the ability to be there with him caring for him and it hit me.  God hit me.  Right in the heart.  All the things I was doing with love and care and tenderness for my son were all the things I was doing for my mom, but without tenderness, love, or care.

God showed me that I was withholding those things from her because of unforgiveness and bitterness.  He showed me how he orchestrated the timing of her dying so that I could be there to care for her.  He reminded me of his son, Jesus.  Who willingly, lovingly and tenderly gave up his life on the cross for me even though there would be times in my life that I would hurt him, deny him and resent him.  But he never withheld his love for me or from me.  

“Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love.  Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.”
Psalms 51:1

The first thing I had to do was to ask God to forgive me for choosing to hold on to unforgiveness.  I now recognized the gift that he was giving me.  Not only an opportunity to be obedient to him and lovingly care for her the way He cares for me.   But an opportunity to recognize who I am in Christ.  To be defined by Him and what He says about me and who He created me to be.

My mom ended up asking me for forgiveness before I had the opportunity to ask her for it.  I obediently humbled myself before her and gave the forgiveness she asked for.  I spent the remainder of our days together lovingly, tenderly caring for her and her needs.  Praying with her and for her.

‘ . . . Then he blessed Jacob there.” 
Genesis 32:29

My life changed when I wrestled with God and was obedient to his calling.  Then I received the blessing of God.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Roads // Brandee Pait

Have you ever been mad at someone? Did you want to scream at the top of your lungs because of what someone did to you, which caused you deep emotional pain? Or, maybe it's an ugly cry, but well, that didn't make you feel better either. It's a season that nobody prays to experience and yet we do go through it. The Bible says the devil wants to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). However, God doesn't say life will be all sunshine and rainbows. He says in John 16:33,

 "In the world, you will have tribulation." 

So let's look at the roads you can choose to walk through when your world turns upside down by deep hurt.

When someone hurts you and causes pain, I know most have experienced the infamous road of bitterness. It's when the pain takes over and begins to control your emotions. Oh, you know the devil is getting excited about this road. He puts it in your head that you want someone to be held accountable for their actions. Don't you want victory for the hurt they have caused (the snake asks)? Bitterness is a bad deal that makes extensive guarantees on the front end but delivers nothing you want on the back end. God knows what you need. God is about peace, and through bitterness, you turn your heart away from God. In John 14:27, Jesus says,

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid." 

God wants peace for all his children. Bitterness does not lead us to forgiveness but keeps us chained up in unforgiveness. We want results; at least, that's what the devil is telling you; however, we know as Christians that this is not the road God wants us to go down.

The road God wants for us is the road of forgiveness. This road is not easy for people; however, forgiveness is a command from God. He wants us to think about it daily as He talks about it in the Lord's Prayer, in Matthew 6:9 14-15

 "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." 

Forgiveness is not easy for our worldly selves. However, we need to think about how God gave his one and only Son for our sins. Then, it will be easier for those who go through deep hurt to start the healing process. In Colossians 3:13,

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

We have all been forgiven for our sins through the blood of Jesus! This is so awesome! So, when you go through deep hurt, remember what God has done for you, and when choosing forgiveness, you are choosing to begin the healing process.

Brandee Pait is the secretary of Shaken & Stirred. She's a daughter of a God, a wife, a mother of 2 amazing boys, and blessed with a daughter-in-law. She is a Registered Nurse. Brandee enjoys a Peanut Butter Baylees from Boulder Coffee (minus the coffee) with her gals at Coffee Talk.

Photo by John Lockwood on Unsplash

Necessary Forgiveness // Baylee Wilson

When I was fifteen I went on my first trip to Haiti and from that moment on I knew it would not be my last. In 2016, my husband Michael and I sold everything we owned and started working for a ministry located in Haiti. Before we moved, we noticed some things about the couple we would soon be working for that just didn’t seem like a good fit for us. We realized early on that they did things a little different than we would but it was too late to turn back. We had already sold all of our belongings and announced we were moving. 

Unfortunately, about a year into living there it came down to the point where we couldn’t turn a blind eye to some of these things we were seeing. It wasn’t only about how we were being treated, but even more so how they treated the Haitian people. They were supposed to be there to serve and show love to these people, but it seemed as if the opposite was taking place. After months of prayer we made the tough decision to move back home. 

After we came back, I was bitter. For as long as I could remember, moving to Haiti was my calling. So when it didn’t work out the way I had hoped, I wanted someone to blame. I wished failure on them. Don’t get me wrong, our time in Haiti was life changing. We saw God move in ways that I have never seen before. But because of the way our relationship ended with this ministry I was not allowing my time there to be a blessing. I was hurt and allowed my bitterness to stop God from further using us in ministry, even though I knew it’s what he wanted for our family. It had been almost a year since moving home when I realized I was still holding onto that hurt and hadn’t forgiven them. 

This couple had no idea I was still upset, my anger wasn’t affecting them at all, it was only hurting me. I was reminded of Ephesians 4:32. This verse seems so simply put yet so hard to obey. 

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Today, I went to my fourth funeral within the last two weeks. What I’ve been reminded of over this time is just how short life is and how important relationships are. I know that some relationships seem destroyed beyond repair, maybe in your eyes that person that hurt you doesn’t deserve forgiveness. But what I’ve learned is that forgiveness is not always for the person who hurt us, but rather for us to move on from the past and look ahead to the future. When I chose forgiveness over bitterness during my time of hurt, I had allowed God to use me again in ways that may not have been possible if I had continued to hold that anger in my heart. 

Forgiveness is brave, it’s bold, & it’s necessary if we want to be more like Christ. If you chose to say YES to forgiveness today, laying down bitterness, what would look different? How could God use that obedience in your life? Join me in living out Ephesians 4:32 choosing kindness, compassion, and forgiveness, just like Jesus does and has commanded us to do. 

Photo by Justin Heap on Unsplash