I thought last month’s theme for the blog was difficult, but forgiveness trumps obedience every time. Forgiveness is such an intimate, personal topic. It brings so many emotions. I have put off writing this blog for weeks past its original due date. In fact, if I wasn’t the Women’s Ministry Director at Church That Matters, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been fired from the writing team long before now.
I’m a procrastinator. And when it comes to touchy, personal topics I apparently try to avoid them until I have to face it head on. That’s how I roll. I’m not confrontational, unless I have to be. And then I toil and stew for so long that by the time I’ve addressed the issue, the process sucks the life out of me.
Who can relate?
What’s funny to me, though, is that obedience and forgiveness go hand in hand. You can have obedience without forgiveness, but you can’t have forgiveness without obedience.
I had the opportunity to love on a family tonight through the gift of a meal. I felt God leading me to do this and to pray with them while I was there. These are the fun parts of obedience. I love when being obedient to God involves all the fun stuff. What I’m learning though is that true obedience and surrender only occur when you disagree. When there is wrestling that takes place.
Have you ever wrestled with God? I have. Just like Jacob.
“This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break. When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket.”
Genesis 32:24-25
True obedience, the kind that causes you to wrestle with God, changes you. Jacob walked with a limp after his experience. I found freedom.
If you’ve known me for the last few years, you’ve heard some of my story. I was adopted at 6 weeks old. I believe my mom never forgave herself for not being able to give birth to me and so she resented me. She resented the fact that I didn’t come from her and I didn’t turn out how she imagined I would. We fought a lot. I was in trouble a lot. She said a lot of mean, hurtful things. She wanted something from me that I couldn't give. I wanted something from her she couldn’t give me. I moved out 3 days after I turned 18.
A few years passed. I spent those years trying to fix our relationship, but it was never honest or genuine. I only figured out how to act and what to say to keep her from getting upset with me.
At 23, I was married and pregnant with my first child. I found out mom had breast cancer. Within 6 months the cancer spread to her brain and she became bedridden. By this time, my son, Brendan, had just been born and I had quit my job to be a stay at home mom.
Here is the part God wants me to share with you.
Mom’s cancer caused her to become diabetic and she required 4 insulin shots a day. My brother was in med school half way across the country and my dad passed out at the sight of a needle. I had no choice but to move my newborn son and myself into my parents’ home so I could help take care of my mom and administer her shots.
Remember, she is bedridden. I fed her, bathed her, gave her shots, changed her clothes, changed her sheets, emptied her catheter bag, etc. All begrudgingly. I wasn’t mean to her or rude, but I only cared for her out of obligation.
One night, after I finished feeding and bathing my 7 month old son. Changing his clothes, changing his sheets and diapers etc. (because my dad “doesn’t do diapers” or “babies”) I was looking with love at my son and thanking God for him and for the ability to be there with him caring for him and it hit me. God hit me. Right in the heart. All the things I was doing with love and care and tenderness for my son were all the things I was doing for my mom, but without tenderness, love, or care.
God showed me that I was withholding those things from her because of unforgiveness and bitterness. He showed me how he orchestrated the timing of her dying so that I could be there to care for her. He reminded me of his son, Jesus. Who willingly, lovingly and tenderly gave up his life on the cross for me even though there would be times in my life that I would hurt him, deny him and resent him. But he never withheld his love for me or from me.
“Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.”
Psalms 51:1
The first thing I had to do was to ask God to forgive me for choosing to hold on to unforgiveness. I now recognized the gift that he was giving me. Not only an opportunity to be obedient to him and lovingly care for her the way He cares for me. But an opportunity to recognize who I am in Christ. To be defined by Him and what He says about me and who He created me to be.
My mom ended up asking me for forgiveness before I had the opportunity to ask her for it. I obediently humbled myself before her and gave the forgiveness she asked for. I spent the remainder of our days together lovingly, tenderly caring for her and her needs. Praying with her and for her.
‘ . . . Then he blessed Jacob there.”
Genesis 32:29
My life changed when I wrestled with God and was obedient to his calling. Then I received the blessing of God.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
