If you’ve read any of my blogs from the past, you already know that I became a Christian when I was around 8 years old at a Vacation Bible School program at my local church. It was during this time, when I not only had a very real encounter with Christ for the first time, but also when He called me to missions.
The call to missions created a stirring in my heart that I didn’t understand. I was already in ballet at the time. I LOVED ballet. I wanted nothing more than to be a professional ballet dancer for the American Ballet Company in New York. I spent many years focused on this dream. By the time I was 16, I was probably dancing 30 hours a week and the call to missions was a distant memory.
This same summer, while I was at Falls Creek with my church’s youth group, my right ankle swelled up the size of a cantaloupe for no apparent reason. I’m sure there must have been a great deal of pain involved as well, but I only remember the extreme swelling. The swelling and presumed pain kept me from being able to dance when I returned home. The details of the next year are foggy by now, but I know they were riddled with Dr’s appointments and tests and x-rays. Cortisone shots and draining of fluid off of my ankle. The more I was poked and prodded the more arthritis they found. Both big toes, both ankles, both knees, both hips, my neck. You see how this is going. Eventually it was decided I had osteoarthritis (very uncommon in 16 year olds) and at one point I was even told that if I wanted to walk by the time I was 18 I had to quit ballet.
My world was shattered in an instant. Everything I had planned for, trained for, dreamed of was over. MY whole purpose in life had been to be a ballet dancer. I didn’t know who I was without ballet. I didn’t know how I was supposed to act or what I was supposed to do. I didn’t even know how to hang out with friends because I had always been at the dance studio.
I spent the next many years trying to fill a void in me that I thought could only be occupied by ballet. I tried to find my identity and purpose in other things and other people. Often drinking alcohol and going to parties. But all of these only left me more empty. More ashamed. More broken.
One day, in the still quiet of my bedroom, I heard a whisper that was louder than a scream ask me, “What are you doing?” and in an instant God showed me exactly where my life was headed if I continued to seek purpose and fulfillment in the things of this world. He told me, “I didn’t create you for this!”
You see, purpose isn’t found in a program, a plan, a curriculum or even a bunch of activities. Purpose is a person. The person of Jesus! Purpose is a byproduct of a Jesus encounter. You can’t separate purpose from His presence. We can’t have purpose without His presence in our lives. The good news is that He promises believers that we will always have His presence;
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20
My problem wasn't that God had left me to suffer alone. He was with me all along, but I wasn’t sitting in His presence.
When we seek Jesus, we will find Him AND His purpose for our lives.
“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:12-13
This is how we find our identity and purpose because the Lord reveals His plans for us when we are in His presence! If you want to be who God is calling you to be, you must prioritize time with the Person, not the plan. God wants His presence to be enough for you. He wants to be your main desire. When His presence becomes your pursuit, He will reveal His plan!!
A week ago, a good friend sent the following to me and I think it sums up perfectly what God’s plan is for my life:
My life is not about my ministry.
It's not about my calling or my accomplishments.
It's not about writing a book or about gaining followers.
No.
My life's purpose is to worship my Savior.
It is to walk with Him and learn from Him.
It is to know His heart.
My life is about drawing closer to Him and letting
the things of this world fall away. My life is about living a life that is pleasing to Him.
My life is about dying to my own wants, desires
and plans and instead being filled with His Spirit
and transformed into His image.
My life isn't my own.
I have laid it down for Him.
I have placed it in His hands to do as He wants.
I want to be so full of the Living God that I then overflow onto other areas of my life.
Ministry is not my purpose but it is part of the overflow. Motherhood is not my purpose but it is part of the overflow. Writing is not my purpose but it is part of the overflow.
If I seek Him first then I will be successful at all these other things. I want to be so full of His presence that people feel Him when I am around.
I want to carry Him with me everywhere I go and in everything I do.
My purpose is to know Him.
To love Him.
To worship Him.
And then carry His Spirit in me for
others to know Him.
I don't ever want to get so caught up in how He will use me that I forget to get caught up in His presence first.
I want to be so caught up in His love that then He uses me how He sees fit.
All for His glory.
Forever and ever.
Mary Swafford is the founder of Shaken & Stirred, Meals that Matter, Coffee Talk, and a Co-Owner of Boulder Coffee in downtown Sand Springs. She is a wife, a mother of 3 beautiful children, but most importantly a daughter of the most high God. You are likely to find her chugging or serving coffee, sitting in a tattooist’s chair, or making friends out of strangers.
Photo by Alexandre Tsuchiya on Unsplash